By Maria Lianos

It has arrived. The dreaded return of the PERIOD.

After almost 19 months of not having one, I finally got it and it came with a vengeance.

It made me think about all the physical and emotional changes we women endure in our lives.

First you go through puberty, feeling and looking awkward, adjusting to growing boobies along with the teasing from the boys, hair growing from funny places, and having your “friend” visit every month. Once you’re over the excitement of becoming a woman, the truth sinks in.

Out of the whole month of a woman’s cycle, you only have one good week of feeling and looking great. You ovulate one week and your hormones are already out of whack. Then PMS takes over you and you turn into a monster, not to be messed with! Your skin breaks out, you’re retaining water and your clothes are too tight (I always gain about 5 pounds during this time). Finally your period comes and you’re a bloated balloon and bitchy because you look five months pregnant. The week after is technically the only good week you have out of the month. Only one measly week of normal behaviour and a nice flat stomach!

Mother nature is cruel.

After your biological clock starts ticking and you decide to pop out some kids, then you’ve entered new territory. Once you reach this point you can never go back (unless you’re Heidi Klum). Oh the joys of pregnancy! There are some women who just love being pregnant! No morning sickness, they gain only 10 pounds and never get a stretch mark, work and exercise up until their due date?

Not me! And many others, I’m sure! Your beautiful belly grows but at the same time, your skin stretches out, your boobs grow massive proportions (this is not necessarily a bad thing) along with other parts of your body that you would have never imagined (my nose grew wider!). Your butt gets bigger, your legs get swollen, your hair gets thinner, and your emotions are a roller coaster… one minute you’re all sweet and loveable and the next you’re cussing out the first person you see. I could laugh and cry literally in the same instant (my husband always found this hilarious). But when you first see that tiny little baby on the ultrasound, you are truly amazed and forget everything else.

Next up – labour. You experience the thrill of lying on the hospital bed with your legs spread open for the whole world to see, and every nurse and doctor on the floor has gotten to know you a little bit more than you had hoped for. The least they could have done was wined and dined you first! They would enter the room, greet you and all of a sudden the glove is on and they’re digging for gold. “Hmm, you’re about 3 centimetres now” which means they’ll do this another 10 times before the baby is actually ready to enter the world.

Then it’s time for the baby to come out! Ahh what a beautiful experience – NOT! Well not right away. The epidural was just enough for me to numb some of the pain with my second baby, who was delivered face up (extremely painful), and with my first I couldn’t feel my legs or how much I was pushing so they had to use a vacuum. Poor lil’ conehead. I asked the doctor with both pregnancies how many stitches I got from tearing but they never did give me an exact number…hmm I wonder why?! But once you hold your baby for the very first time, you miraculously forget the pain…just pure joy and intense love.

Ah, you’re home now! The pain from the stitches (or C-section) is excruciating, not to mention the lovely hemorrhoids, and for some, the baby blues take over so you’re also an emotional wreck. Your milk comes in and your boobs have grown two cup sizes. Your nipples become large pepperoni’s and with bad latching (if you breastfeed), they become cracked and crusty. The soggy leaking breasts last several months and soon enough, they are not so full of milk anymore and that large C or D that you were hoping would remain disappears. Suddenly they decide to go south, never to return. Wa wa wa.

Would I ever consider and go through with a surgical procedure to enhance or tighten a part of my body? I say, never say never to a boob lift or a tummy tuck. But right now, I am proud of my scars.

So the baby is now 5 months old and you’re still looking 5 months pregnant… you’re sick of wearing maternity clothes when you are no longer pregnant, but your old clothes don’t fit yet. You can squeeze into your old jeans but your flabby belly hangs out. Now you finally understand why your mother owned a dozen girdles and control-top panties!

On top of taking care of the kids, keeping the house in order, feeding the family, maintaining some level of sanity and trying to find the time and energy to exercise, on top of all of that, I now have to deal with the wonderful return of the period.

Arrrrrrrghhhhh!!!

Oh I forgot, we also have menopause to look forward to.

Maria Lianos is the creator and editor of www.amotherworld.com, an online magazine for moms around the world.  Along with articles on parenting, marriage, health and wellness, home and entertainment, the magazine also shares stories from moms around the globe.